This post has not been edited! Lots of rambling.

There are days at work where I just get nothing done. I get them really often, like once a week on average. Or more accurately, 2 days every other week. In my mind, I call them “dud days”. I guess I feel pretty bad about it, because the least I could do is work hard at a job that pays me so much. I feel bad because I know people out there work harder and they don’t get paid nearly as much as me. It’s the guilt. Honestly, I wouldn’t be able to tell you whether I “tried” on dud days before deciding I just couldn’t. A better descriptor for it would be, “it becomes hard to try.” I’m just so exhausted all the time.

I’ve been operating like this for a while. In college, I sign up for classes, and I push through with them because I tell myself “I have to”. It’s not really that I’m especially motivated, it’s that I viewed academics as non-negotiable. I’ve cut a lot of corners in college that I try not to think about that much. I have never cheated on an exam, but the cramming meant that I probably only internalized about 30% of my courses. Honestly, what a waste. I chase opportunity and I took an admission spot away from someone who might have been more passionate, and I think about it a lot. But then my peers come to mine and most of them are equally uncaring. And who could blame us of just wanting a good salary to build our futures?

I watched this video because I was trying to troubleshoot my today. An important point Dr. K makes is that when we try to get something done, we don’t care about our “not wanting to do it”, because it doesn’t matter. We just force ourselves to do it. I knew that all too well; I would mentally talk to myself through each task and tell myself that it was really not that bad and it should only take me an hour. Dr. K suggested that instead of discounting our emotions, we need to acknowledge them. I know that I don’t want to do it, but I’m not kind to myself about it.

I guess that I don’t really admit that things are hard for me when they are. It’s embarrassing. Everyone agrees that school is harder than the workforce, and sure, the “level” of academic concepts is much lower, so how could it be that I struggle? I need to admit to myself that sometimes, things are not hard because they are conceptually complex. On the flipside, I think work is difficult precisely because it can be boring. There are interesting solutions, but only mildly so, and sandwiched between a myriad of communication and emails and reaching out. I notice that I have no problem pulling full workdays or more if I get a problem that I know is solvable with the right amount of solo problem solving. But when it comes to tacking together some script through documentation, it’s a slog and I find it so hard to “just do it”. It’s like a chore that you don’t need to do often enough to make a habit, and you have to relearn it every time, but relearning it reveals nothing new about anything.

It’s not draining on the critical thinking but rather the executive function part of the brain. Throughout my life, when I struggled to do something, it would mostly be that. (The only exception being linear algebra, which shit on me in a way no other math or cs course did.) So then Dr. K says that instead of pushing those emotions down, and labeling this emotional numbing as “procrastination”, we should process these feelings, by talking to a therapist or friends. I thought about it… talking to someone. Of course I can’t. It’s not so much that it’s a secret (I mean, I’m posting this on a blog) but rather I don’t want to make myself someone else’s responsibility. Also, this sort of thing is really hard to get right without in-person or video. I guess that’s just how it is.

It’s difficult. It’s difficult. It’s difficult. No matter what anyone says about how work after my college’s CS program is just chilling, I’m allowed to think it’s difficult. I’m allowed to do struggle but not give up, and I’ll keep fighting every day. When people look at me and ask, how am I so functional, I feel a twinge of annoyance.

Maybe it’s a life of my mom not understanding why it’s so hard for me to do certain things when it’s easy for me to study. It made me believe that I’m not allowed to think anything I do is difficult, if it’s not to do with “concerted cultivation” skills. And so I beat myself up when the easiest things are the hardest.

I might actually just be physically sick. I don’t get it. I eat healthy and sleep healthy. I exercise, well… more than the average shut-in, at least. I have a variety of hobbies. I don’t party, I hang out with people about once a week. But I feel so weak and tired all the time, if I misstep a little I get sick. Always on the verge of a cold. I’m getting a full checkup in December. I’m not even sure what to do after that.