I’ve been working for about 1.5 years now, and though my savings are looking pretty good, I still have a hard time spending. It’s a habit, but I kind of get these sort of comments from my colleagues: “You make enough, just buy it!”

When I grew up, my family was thoroughly middle class. No government support, living paycheck to paycheck. When my mom suggested a savings or brokerage account to my dad because she heard her friends talk about it, my dad replied, “生吃都不夠你還要把它曬乾？” which means “we don’t even have enough to eat fresh and you still want to dry it?” (which regards to preserved foods). So I come from a childhood of no real savings.

That’s not to say that my parents didn’t buy things or make things nice for us, though. They definitely prioritized a good environment for the kids. We have a good house and my sister and I went to various extracurricular activities. In the summer, they registered us for kids educational camps at the local community college.

Instead, we were denied things that could be categorized as “indulgences”. I remember being shocked in my senior year of high school when I asked my mom whether I could buy a switch (with my own money) and she agreed. It was my first console that wasn’t gifted by someone else. My DS was gifted by my mom’s friend, and I was only ever allowed to buy 2 games on it. Total. So you bet I played the shit out of Pokemon Pearl. I think I was allowed to buy an average of one book a year. Getting takeout was reserved for special occasions. We rarely traveled internationally; as a child, I went back to Asia to see my grandparents twice. Once when I was 3 and another when I was 10.

Thinking about 2016-2018 is still kind of weird. My dad got sick and the medical bills, plus my sister and I heading off to college, caused some worry, and my mom said we might sell the house to support all this. Then my dad died and we got a significant life insurance payout. Of course I have mixed feelings that my dad’s death was the beginning of our financial stability. But basically, my family is doing pretty well now.

I still haven’t kicked the “poor mindset”. I really could afford a car if I wanted. Or a new iPad. But if it’s not a need, I guess I just don’t see the point. And maybe it’s minorly annoying when people say that I can buy things, because the thing I’m saving for is the most expensive of all – retirement. I’ve been looking into FI/RE and everything I save now can be used later. I just have to tell myself to let go of some money because from and outside perspective, it must look like I’m weirdly stingy. In reality, it’s just my normal habits over the years. I think people should just stop saying stuff like “why? you can afford it” and leave me be.